how can I describe my life right now in words/ I dont think I accurately can. but this is my attempt to in order to place more meaning and importance on my own thoughts. I cant decide if i am learning important things or not. i am. Important things have happened in my life. i dont love you but you are nice to heal and be around. I dont know how to be around you, or how to make you laugh. I know how to be affectionate towards you. I know how to debate you. I think we are two directions pointed away from each other. I wish for two brothers. Two brothers like Jeff, to be there for me, to be wacky and hilarious and people i like myself around. People to go skinny dipping with and take drugs and have a blast at the exploritorium. also brothers to have insightful conversations with, old deep connections with, to grow with and experience with.

My life has been confusing. My mom says i am in between great transition, and I know its true. I cant help but cry all the time, im so incredibly depressed, my passions are being held back, they come and go. My mom says my fear of failure is holding me back. I think she's right. I am at the beginning of a series of very hard classes. physics,chemistry(mostly),biology, .Im incredibly excited and yet completely uninterested. My former therapist tells me I should take antidepressants. My mom said I should talk to her hypnotherapist who is more holistic. I resent my father a lot. He's obsessed with the stock market. When he goes to the grocery store he comes back with paper plates and proctor & gamble deodorant and TRIES TO HIDE IT FROM ME. He goes around my fucking back. I would prefer if he just outright told me that he doesnt give a fuck about animals or he envronment.

I find I have a very difficult time sleeping at night. It takes me about 3 hours or more to fall asleep every night. I wake up early in the morning and cant fall asleep again. Sometimes I wake up at night and start crying caused by thoughts of our current political climate, (watch loose change 2nd edition and Why We Fight),social climate, meat/ diary industry(factory farming)& animal based clothing industries, and most of all Industrialization in general. Industrialized nations fat with imported "goods" stripped from impoverished lands(most often made poorer by this process) and shipped millions of miles to be processed and packaged, and then shipped thousands of miles to be consumed by hairless bipedal primates. Mcdonlalds signs and cement rivers everywhere. Fast pieces of metal exhaling fumes for plants and pedestrians to breathe. every 10 minutes a new oil refinery appears where dense biodiversity once existed.

Anthropocentrism pissing on every fucking corner of the earth.

I resent everyone around me. I dont know exactly why. perhaps because they dont know. Or rather they know, but they dont seem to particularly care .
we are all oblivious selfish sponges, sucking and sucking on sweet deceptive convenience. Or at least the industrialized nations...

I either want to kill myself, or kill everyone around me